The Cast of Scrubs in: Snow White
by Deanna Darkstone
Summary: Title says it all! JD as Snow White, Kelso as the Evil King, and some familiar faces as the seven dwarves!
1. Once Upon a Time

The Cast of _Scrubs_ in:

"Snow White"

Snow "SW" White: John "JD" Dorian

Wicked Stepfather King Robert: Bob Kelso

Peddler (King Robert in disguise): Keith Dudemeister

Hunter: Janitor

Magic Mirror: Ted Buckland

Princess: Elliot Reid

Dwarves: Chris Turk

Carla Espinosa

Perry Cox

The Todd

Jordan Sullivan

Laverne Roberts

Doug Murphy

Disclaimer: I don't own _Scrubs_ or any fairy tales of any kind. Nearly all italic sentences are JD's thoughts. Oh, and I'm not a JD/Elliot 'shipper in any way, shape, or form, but I decided to make them work in this story. And the dwarves have the names of the characters playing them, 'cause I was worried about causing confusion. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Once upon a time…

Once upon a time, in the tiny country of Sacredheartland, there lived a king and queen who longed for a child. They prayed for a little girl with a heart as pure as snow, with eyes as blue as the very depth of the ocean, and hair that that was as dark as the night sky. At last, one day, their prayers were answered. They were more than a little surprised to have a son, but no less overjoyed. However, they had already listed their potential daughter's name in the royal records as Snow White, so the poor boy was stuck with a decidedly feminine name. The king and queen were plucky, however, and decided to call their SW for short, so as not to give him a complex.

Sadly, SW's father, a good man and king died shortly after his son was born. The queen was heartbroken, but knew her country needed a king and her son a father, so she married Lord Robert Kelso and appointed him king. King Robert, unfortunately, was a vain, bloodless tyrant who was a master manipulator when it came to receiving loyalty and gaining power. If he weren't king, no one would give the bastard the time of day. SW and his mother were very close, but she passed away when he was still just a boy, so SW was left alone in the care of King Robert, who openly despised him. In fact, he often forced SW to do servant's work, and even threatened to put SW in the stocks for a month if he ever called him "Dad".

And yet SW never allowed any of this unmitigated abuse to crush his spirit. He maintained a sunny outlook on life, since he had inherited his parents' spunk. He had many offbeat interests and quirks and a knack for relating to people. King Robert became increasingly annoyed by SW's likable demeanor, and ever more dependent on his secret advisor: a magic mirror he kept in a secret chamber. One day, King Robert stepped in front of his magic mirror and asked it the same question he asked it everyday:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most powerful of them all?"

And the image of a long-faced bald man would appear in the mirror and give him the same answer,

"You, King Robert, are the most powerful in the land. The same as you were ten minutes ago when you asked me, and ten minutes before that…"

But King Robert wasn't listening, he was too delirious from his own ego boost. So complacent was he that he didn't notice that SW was growing into quite the affable young man, beloved by the citizens of Sacredheartland. He also possessed offbeat, handsome looks, and he had just the traits his parents had wished. SW did indeed have wide, animated eyes that were a vivid shade of blue, a heart as pure as snow (and skin just as white), and his hair was not only the color of the night sky, but truly did seem to reach the night sky on its own. Despite all this, King Robert took for granted that the magic mirror's answer would never change.

But then came that fateful day.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most powerful of them all?"

The magic mirror actually hesitated.

"Um, I hate to break it to you, but someone is going to become the most powerful and beloved ruler Sacredheartland has ever known, and, um, it's not you."

"Mirror, mirror, only one in the land, do you see this brick in my hand?"

"Sir, please don't shatter the messenger. I actually like my life."

"Fine, then who is this little upstart?"

"Your stepson, Snow White."

With that, the magic mirror showed an image of SW smiling and waving to the crowds, and indulging in a strange new fad of raising his palm up and allowing it to be slapped by another person's palm. The magic mirror continued,

"He has a way with people, Your Highness. They respond to his nebbish charm and endearing clumsiness."

He showed another image of SW grinning, running to jump on a horse, and toppling over it instead and landing with an undignified thud. King Robert scowled.

"Are you telling me that my fatuous dolt of a stepson, that man-child who somehow has a functioning brain even though he can't make it through the day without falling, is going to usurp my power?!"

"Pretty much, sir. That day is closer than you think."

"I simply won't allow it! I must find some way to eliminate my unworthy competitor!"

The magic mirror sighed.

"I figured you'd say that."


	2. Princess Elliot

SW was taking his morning stroll through the woods and indulging in his favorite hobby: mentally narrating his every action.

_Being a prince with a girly name isn't always easy, but I've learned with a good old-fashioned positive mental attitude, life's pretty good. Hey, I just realized I'm SW and I have a PMA. Boy, acronyms are fun. SW, feelin' OK with PMA, taking a stroll in the AM, will have dinner in the PM, is a guy, so doesn't suffer from PMS…"_

"Frick!"

A voice startled SW out of his reverie. He looked around to see where it came from and saw, emerging from the brush, a woman on a white horse, holding the reins with one hand and looking at a map in the other. The horse whinnied and reared at one point. The woman was dressed in blue, her blonde hair tied in a braid, and, despite her frazzled expression, SW could safely say she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. _Wow, a gorgeous girl on a white horse! _

_She might be the true love I've been waiting for! Better turn up the princely charm._

SW swaggered over, ran a hand through his hair (his one vanity) and said,

"Your horse is badly behaved… must be a 'white mare'!"

The woman looked at SW blankly. SW stammered,

"B-because, 'nightmare' rhymes with 'white mare', and y-your horse is, um, white…"

"And a stallion."

_Forget the princely charm; just ask her if she needs help!_

"Can I assist you in some way, milady?"

"Yes, I'm looking for the kingdom of Sacredheartland, and this map has _not_ been helpful."

"Look no further, the kingdom is right down yonder path!"

_Good thing, too. She doesn't need directions from the guy voted "Most Likely to Get Lost in His Own Backyard" in high school._

The maiden, whom SW expected to be meek and demure, suddenly blurted out, in a manner most rapid,

"Oh, splendid! I'm visiting and I went for a ride this morning and got completely lost! I'm there with my parents, totally against my will; they want me to meet the stupid prince of stupid Sacredheartland… but how I prattle! Pray, what is your name?"

"Uh, I'm… stupid Prince SW."

"You are?"

"Yes."

"Frick on the back of a tick! Forgive me, your highness! My mouth tends to run with me. I get it from my mom. I mean, you want to talk about putting your foot in your mouth, she sticks her whole leg… ugh, and I'm doing it again! Let's start over. I am Princess Elliot of Waspia. And forgive me once again for babbling like a brook."

"You will be forgiven, Princess… if you'll allow me to escort you back to my kingdom."

Princess Elliot smiled.

"Permission granted! Mount my steed!"

_Whoa, she works fast!_

"I'm sorry?"

"Get on the horse."

"Oh."

So SW rode behind Princess Elliot, where they discussed numerous things, from SW's full name (which Princess Elliot gushed was "so pretty!") to the appeal of Punch and Judy (SW insisted that they "somehow make domestic abuse hi-larious!"). SW pretended not to notice that Elliot would "accidentally" go down the wrong path now and then, buying them more time to talk. By the time they reached the kingdom, it was nearly evening and they were loath to part from one another. Princess Elliot's parents, King Simon and Queen Lily, greeted her. Queen Lily said,

"Oh, I was almost worried, darling! I really think you should have walked instead of ride, you know, burn off last year's Christmas pudding! But I see you've already gotten the prince's attention, so he must like the, erm, 'womanly' type!"

_As I watched Elliot bravely endure her mom's verbal abuse, a warm, fuzzy feeling came over me, and all I could think about was the nice little future Elliot and I could share. Oh my God, am I in love? Gasp! I am! Awesome!_

SW motioned for Elliot and she approached him, her parents oblivious to the fact that she did so. SW began,

"Your Highness…

"Please, call me Elliot."

"Okay, Elliot, there will be a royal banquet tonight, but I thought, once it's through, will you meet me in the courtyard? I go there to look at the stars, but I've always had to alone."

Elliot looked directly in his eyes.

"I will most certainly be there, my prince."

With that, she softly kissed his cheek and went to join her parents. SW grinned to himself and high-fived the nearest stable boy. He then accidentally bumped into the hulking palace hunter (who was simply known as Hunter, as his actual name was one of great mysteries of the kingdom). Hunter had had an irrational disdain for SW since SW was just a boy. SW tried to take it in stride, but Hunter often got to him. Hunter snapped,

"Whoa, there, Scooter, trying to bump my arm, dislocate a joint so I'll lose my livelihood? Everyone can't be a carefree little prince like you, you know. Trying to destroy me, is that your game? 'Cause I'll play it. Oh yes. "

_Grrr, why does he hate me? Why can't he leave me alone? And what the heck is a scooter?_

Yet SW decided not to let Hunter bring him down this time.

"Yeah, yeah, harass me all you want, but I'm in such a great mood today that nothing you say or do can spoil it! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got things to do!"

SW happily strode away, pleased that he'd stood up to Hunter. Hunter, on the other hand, felt as though his world had been shaken. After a moment of stunned silence, he said to himself,

"He's still happy! I didn't ruin his day! He actually stood up to me! Oh, he's gonna pay. Very. Very. Dearly."

_I guess I learned that taking a chance and putting yourself out there will bring you great things._

Elliot sighed dreamily to herself and eagerly started calculating how many hours remained until the time she would meet the adorable SW for a private rendezvous under the stars.

_Yup, life is good. Nothing could possibly ruin my day!_

King Robert sat in his chamber and called Hunter in. King Robert grinned wickedly and asked him,

"Hunter, how does 50 gold coins sound for luring the prince in the forest, mercilessly stabbing him in the back, and bringing me his heart in a pretty silver box?"

"I've actually been meaning to do it for free, but I'll take the gold."


	3. Into the Woods

Later that evening, SW stood in front of his mirror and rehearsed all the things he could talk about with Elliot during and after the banquet, when there was an abrupt knock on the door.

"Enter!"

_Hee!_ _I love saying that._

In walked Hunter. SW frowned.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"The cook needs meat for the banquet, so the king assigned an impromptu hunting trip. That means you go too, Scooter."

"What? Dinner is less than an hour away! Why would the cook ask for meat now?"

"Eh, what can I say? He's flighty like that. Well, up and at 'em, little prince."

"But I'm not dressed for hunting!"

"You're dressed, it's enough. Chop-chop, or the king will be most displeased. Emphasis on the 'dis'."

SW breathed an agitated sigh. Not that he minded getting dirty, but he was hoping to look especially dashing tonight.

_Ah, well, maybe Elliot prefers the rugged, outdoorsy type anyway._

"I still don't see why we have to go on foot," SW protested as they trudged through the woods. SW continued,

"I also don't see why you couldn't let me at least bring my bow and arrows!"

Hunter shrugged.

"The horses are tired. They told me. Besides, I've seen you shoot… you're a lousy aim. Ah, this is a nice spot!"

They were quite deep in the woods now, and they were in an especially dense spot area with ominous trees surrounding them. The sun was sliding down like a teardrop on the face of the sky. SW said,

"I don't think we'll be able to find much game in all this brush. And why are we so far from the palace?"

Hunter then gasped.

"Don't panic, but I really think you should take three steps backward."

Ever trusting, SW obeyed… and tripped over a flat rock and fell in front of a wide tree. SW was about to reprimand Hunter, but he lost his nerve when Hunter hovered over him, a sickening gleam in his eye. SW swallowed hard.

"Uh, maybe we should go."

"We'll go, just not together. I'll be heading back to the palace…"

With catlike grace, Hunter unsheathed his knife, grabbed SW's shirt, and held the knife to SW's throat.

"… And you'll be going to a better place."

_As I watched Hunter… why am I doing this now??_

"Why, Hunter? Why are you doing this?"

Hunter pretended to mull this over, then nonchalantly replied,

"Basically, your stepdad hates your guts and paid me to kill ya. Since I don't like you either, I figured, why not?"

SW's mind was racing.

_All right, you have to get yourself out of this! Do something! I know, appeal to his soft side… oh, who am I kidding, Hunter doesn't have a soft side! You can confuse him with that riddle about the three ages of man… no, everyone knows that one! I can't tell him I have a wife and kids, 'cause that's obviously a lie. Oooh, maybe I should tell him it's wrong to kill me because I'm still a virgin… you moron, don't tell him that!! That would be even worse than getting killed! _

Hunter was about to strike, so SW did the first thing that came to mind. He grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it in Hunter's eyes. Hunter yelled in surprise, covered his face, and SW took off into the woods like a deer during open season.

By the time Hunter got the dirt out of his eyes, SW had vanished. He bolted after him, but after a half hour of searching, he realized he'd never find SW, especially now that the sun had set.

"Bastard-king will be furious if I come back empty-handed," Hunter muttered to himself.

There was a rustling in the bushes. Hunter spun around and saw a raccoon scurry out. Hunter had his knife out, and he was damned if King Robert knew what a human heart looked like. Plus, a new addition to his taxidermy collection, so a win-win situation. Besides, that wimp of a prince wouldn't last an hour alone in the wild. Hunter smiled to himself and cried to the raccoon,

"C'mere, you little masked bandit!"

Meanwhile, back at the palace, the banquet was underway, but Elliot was too busy scanning the room looking for SW. Her mother (who'd had one sip too many) slapped the table and said,

"Elliot, for Heaven's sake, stop craning your neck so! It's unladylike and it only accentuates those ugly veins!"

Elliot slumped in her chair and sighed. She was seated right next to King Robert, but she was hesitant to ask about SW's whereabouts (mostly because King Robert creeped her out), but finally she couldn't take it anymore and said,

"Your Majesty? I'm sorry to interrupt you while you're eating, but may I ask where your son…"

"_Step_-son."

"Um, right, _step_-son is? He said he'd be here, but I don't see him."

King Robert put on his best sympathetic face.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetheart, but Snow White takes to his room. He was feeling ill and needed his rest."

"What a shame! Perhaps he'd like a visitor?"

"No!"

King Robert's loud, abrupt answer caused Elliot to nearly jump out of her chair. King Robert smiled.

"What I mean is, he's highly contagious, and you don't want to get sick, do you?

Snow White wanted me to tell you he's simply… _heart_broken about missing you."

Elliot couldn't help but be touched.

"How sweet of him to think of that. Most guys just stand you up, without so much as an apology or a 'I meant to tell you I prefer your friend'! Like the son of Baron Beardface who was all, 'Sorry, but archery eats up all my time', and then there's Sir Sean of Kelly who was all, 'a fight with with a dragon left me unable to'…"

Poor Elliot didn't notice that King Robert couldn't care less about what she had to say. She soon wound down her rant and smiled at him and said,

"My point is, you did a good job raising such a kind, considerate man all by yourself! You must be so proud of him!"

Annoyed at yet another person's praises of SW, King Robert's smile became more strained.

"Well, that's him all over. He's all… _heart_! He'd be _heart_sick if he hurt anyone's feelings! That's right, nothing but _heart_!"

King Robert then started laughing in an unpleasant, uncontrollable fashion. Elliot forced a laugh in response and went back to her food, wondering how the people of Sacredheartland could live with such a psychopath for a king.

_I always hear parents say they want to kill their kids, but I didn't think any parent would actually try to do it!_

SW ran faster than he had in his life, his arms flailing and his feet taking comically wide steps. He jumped over every creek, ducked every tree branch and toppled down every hill.

_I need to do something, I need shelter, and I need… to breathe when I run!_

SW stopped to catch his breath with several deep gasps. He had been running for quite a long time. He was certain that he'd lost Hunter, but now the question remained of where SW could go from here? He wasn't safe at home, but he didn't know the first thing about living in the wild. SW decided to look around for some shelter for the night. He wandered through the woods, trying to ignore the menacing sounds of the night.

A distant light caught his eye. SW followed it and found the answer to his prayers: a small, inviting cottage.

_I'll admit it's a leap of faith that someone will just let some random stranger stay the night, but I'm a firm believer in the "can't hurt to ask" policy._

SW knocked on the door and called,

"Hello? Anybody home?"

No answer. SW carefully opened the door and peeked inside. There was no one in sight. SW stepped inside, closed the door, and promptly hit his head on a ceiling beam.

_Jeez, my ant farm had higher ceilings!_

SW continued walking and hit his head on another ceiling beam.

_Okay, should have anticipated that one._

The cottage was very cluttered and messy, and there was a lantern burning on the window sill, so it was obvious that someone lived here, but who? He then saw seven little beds scattered throughout the cottage.

_Wow, seven people-seven really, _really_ little people- live here and not one can keep it tidy? Such a pity. No, wait, it's perfect! I'll clean it up, show that I can earn my keep, and maybe they'll let me stay!_

SW immediately set to work; SW had a knack for housekeeping, due to all the times King Robert forced him to do menial labor with the servants. SW found a water pump and cleaned all the dishes by hand and put them away in the cupboards. He tore off a piece of his cape and dusted every piece of furniture in sight. It took some doing, but he found a broom and swept all the dirt out the door. SW then made each and every bed; he wanted to do more, but the combination of cleaning, running, and the emotional trauma of finding out the only father he ever knew was out to kill him had SW bone weary.

_I know I shouldn't, but… bed soft…_

He got on his knees and slumped against one (he knew it would take pushing all seven beds together in order to lie down properly). He was only planning to take a quick nap, but SW was soon out like a light, unaware of the distant sound of seven pairs of footsteps...


	4. Dwarves and Discovery

Chapter 4: Dwarves and discovery

Hunter proudly presented the raccoon heart to King Robert in a pretty silver box, just as they'd agreed.

"How wonderful," King Robert cackled, "now that my worthless stepson is out of the way, I will remain the most powerful in the land!"

King Robert then noticed the stuffed raccoon in Hunter's other hand and asked,

"Where'd you get that?"

"Oh, this? Killed it and stuffed it just tonight."

"How'd you find the time to kill Snow White, take out his heart, and then hunt, kill, and stuff a raccoon in the same night?"

Hunter froze; he hadn't anticipated that question.

"Uh, hunter's efficiency?"

King Robert raised a suspicious eyebrow.

Outside the cottage, seven dwarves trudged down the path carrying lanterns and chattering amongst themselves. They were led by a curly-haired, hard-featured little person named Perry, who was trying to find new ways to berate his team… and as soon as they reached the cottage he found it.

"Everybody free-heeze!"

Perry liked to elongate his vowels from time to time. Everyone obeyed, and Perry announced,

"Okay, boys and girls, it's time to play 'What's Wrong with this Picture?' First off, look at the window and tell me what you see."

They looked, and a bald-headed dwarf named Turk cried,

"Someone left the lantern burning!"

Perry shook his head.

"Only half right, chrome dome, the answer is Todd!"

All eyes were on the muscular dwarf named Todd. He looked confused.

"So?"

"So, Snow-_flake,_" a dwarf named Laverne snapped, "you were supposed to switch it off! Not only is fuel for our lanterns scarce, but you brought attention to our cottage during the night! You know all the crazies come out at night!"

Perry continued,

"Good, children, we're doing great! Now, let's see if something else is wrong with this picture?!"

He turned the knob on the door and it swung open. Everyone gasped, and Perry announced,

"Well, well, well, someone didn't lock the door! Right, _Doug_?"

Doug, a pasty, meek looking dwarf who wore a red satchel around his waist, wrung his hands nervously. He squeaked,

"I-I thought it was Turk's day to lock it!"

"Dude! Don't try to pin this on me," Turk snapped.

A pretty, dark-haired dwarf named Carla decided to play peacemaker and calm everything down.

"Okay, so Todd and Doug messed up, I'm sure nothing happened!"

Another female dwarf, Jordan, flipped her short brown hair and said,

"But Carla, think of all the people who'd want to steal our cracked clay bowls, handmade beds, and broken lanterns! Not to mention Perry's blankie that he thinks no one knows about…"

"Enough, ye olde shrew," Perry ordered, "Everyone be on the defense, we don't know if someone's in there."

So he carefully swung open the door and they crept in. They all gasped again at the sight of their newly cleaned cottage. Jordan nudged Perry and whispered,

"Oooh, Perry, someone broke in and cleaned up! Scary, huh?"

Todd's eyes lit up.

"A full-grown woman's been here! Look, a strand of hair is stuck on the ceiling beam from where she hit her head. And the cottage is clean, and everyone knows full-grown women have this thing about cleaning stuff!"

"Full-growns" were what the dwarves called non-dwarf people, in case you're wondering. Turk was astonished.

"Todd, you can't even do your times tables and you were able to deduce all that??"

"Deduce? I was just hoping to see a full-grown chick's…"

"It's still here!" Perry hissed.

They saw a large form hunched over the bed, where it was snoring rather loudly. Turk exclaimed,

"Someone's sleeping on my bed!"

The dwarves all cautiously approached it, Perry leading the way with his pickax in one hand and his lantern in the other. They saw the large form stir, which gave them pause, but they kept creeping towards it. Perry raised his lantern and shone it on the form.

The light was bright enough to awaken SW. He stirred in mid-snore and mumbled,

"Banana-hammock…"

He then opened his eyes and groggily looked up to see seven little faces looking at him. SW yelled in surprise, and the dwarves yelled in response while jumping back. Temporarily forgetting where he was, SW shouted,

"Who are you?!"

Laverne's jaw dropped and she glared at him.

"You have a hell of a nerve asking _us_ that, as this is _our_ house!"

_Oh, yeah, now I remember, the whole my-stepfather-wants-to-kill-me business and retreating to a remote cottage…_

SW then noticed the dwarves' sizes and grinned,

"Oh, my gosh, you're all so little and cute!"

"Oh, my gosh, you're so lanky and ungainly and have an Adam's apple the size of a potato!" Jordan retorted.

SW was taken aback.

"Little person, big attitude."

Perry let out a deafening whistle through his teeth, causing SW to cringe. Perry stepped up and boomed,

"All right, enough banter, I've got a few questions for our oversized intruder. You tell us who the hell you are, what you're doing here and we _might_ not re-sculpt your body with our pickaxes!"

SW stammered,

"P-please, I really didn't mean to intrude. I was, uh, out for a walk, and I, uh, got lost and needed a place to stay…"

Perry interrupted him.

"Okay, first of all, you're awfully dolled up for a walk, and secondly, you're the worst liar I've ever met. Now, the truth."

_He's got a point, you've never been much of a liar, but at least you're over the nervous sweating._

SW took a deep breath.

"I'm Prince SW…

"Wait," Perry interrupted, "as in, Prince Snow White?"

"Yeah, I know, my parents thought I would be a girl…"

"'Thought?' "

"Hey, that's harsh! Anyway, I found out today that my stepfather, King Robert, not only hates my guts, but paid the palace hunter to try and kill me, so I had to run away."

The other dwarves looked shocked and sympathetic, even Jordan. Carla cried,

"That's terrible! How could anyone be so heartless?"

Perry raised an eyebrow.

"How long has the king been your stepfather?"

"All my life. My real father died when I was just a baby."

"Aaaand, you _just_ found out King Bobbo the Bastard hates you?"

SW briefly thought back.

_**No, I won't give you a hug, you vile sack of childhood diseases!**_

_**You broke your arm?! Suck it up, sport, because if you had died, it would just be natural selection!**_

_**Oh, you graduated second in your class? Here's a pen and paper… write to someone who gives a crap!**_

SW quickly stopped reminiscing.

"I guess I've always had an inkling."

The other dwarves were speechless, except, of course, Perry. He said,

"So you decided to seek refuge in our home. Well, there's only one thing I can say to that."

_See? Some people are willing to extend a helping hand!_

Unsmiling, Perry continued,

"Scram, Jasmine, and don't let the door hit you on the way out."

_Okay, didn't see that coming._

Carla shouted,

"What?!"

"He needs our help," Turk added angrily, "you can't just let him wander the forest alone with the king out to get him!"

"Perry," Jordan snarled, "besides the fact that you're you, how can you be such a horrible ass?"

"Look," Perry barked, "I make the rules here! And I say Aurora can't stay! His own stepfather tried to kill him, and imagine what King Homicidal will do to _us_ if he finds out he's here! It's seven lives against one! End of discussion!!"

"There's an especially hot place in Hell reserved for people like you." Laverne muttered.

"Stop!" SW cried, "I'm not going to have you guys argue about me! I'll just leave!"

"You get back here," Carla demanded.

"No, I'm…"

"SIT!"

SW immediately sat back down.

"Good boy," Perry said sarcastically. Doug squeaked,

"Hey, Perry? M-maybe if the prince just stays inside all day, the king won't know he's here!"

"Excellent suggestion, Nervous Guy," Perry replied, "except he can't stay here! The king's out for his blood, we don't have room for him, and on top of everything else, he's a prince, and therefore completely useless!"

"Useless?" SW asked, "I cleaned up the cottage while you were gone! I…"

"Oh, whoop-de-do! What, did you watch your servants and pick up a thing or two? We work in the mines! All day long! You wouldn't know real work if it crawled into your corset! Lemme see your hands, I'll bet you use lotion!"

Perry then roughly grabbed SW's hand, shone his lantern on it, and then his face softened a bit. Years of helping servants, the cooks and the stable boys had made SW's hands somewhat rough and callused, and they were still red from the recent work he'd done. Perry turned SW's hand over and frowned.

"These aren't prince's hands. Hey, where'd those scars on your knuckles come from?"

SW thought back to when he was eight years old, and King Robert bellowing,

_**I've had enough of you, your grating voice and your petty little demands on my time! Somebody get the riding crop and give him as many as your arm allows!**_

SW shrugged.

"Don't remember."

"Liar," Perry mumbled, but he didn't sound as clipped as he had. Perry dropped SW's hand, then turned while putting his hands behind his head, and sighed.

"I can't believe I'm doing this. I shouldn't be doing this, and I'll regret it so-ho-ho-ho much, but you can stay."

Everyone cheered and SW smiled. Perry then let out yet another ear-splitting whistle. SW leaned over to Turk and whispered,

"Does he always have to do that?"

"Pretty much, it's like his trademark," Turk answered

"And giving guys girls' names?"

"Now that's new."

Perry walked up to SW, took a deep breath, and then said,

"Heeeerre's the deal, Ariel. You can stay, _until_ you find out what else you can do with yourself. Despite what everyone says, dwarves aren't carefree little singers like sprites or elves. We work in the mines all day 'cause Bad King Robert took away our union and won't allow forest dwellers like us attend Sacredheartland University and study medicine, which we'd all rather be doing. So, you'll earn your keep by keeping this dump tidy. Clean, wash, mend, the whole bit! Also, some ground rules. We may be dwarves, but I don't want to hear you refer to any of us, namely me, by any obnoxious little people nicknames. These include 'Half-Pint, Li'l Fella, Li'l Lady, Pee Wee, Pipsqueak, Runt, Short Stuff, Shorty,' or any other terms of endearment you full-growns love to come up with! Another thing, since your stepdad's cle-_hearly_ the antithesis of the warm and doting father figure, I suggest you stay inside and if you absolutely must go out, go with one of us! And, this is the important part, so listen up, do _not_ let any strangers inside! I mean it, Buttercup! The king had one guy to try and off you like a baby seal, he'll probably try again! Do you hear me? _Don't let anyone but us inside while you're here!_ Are we agreed on that, doe-eyes?"

"Yes, sir!"

SW saluted, but Perry wasn't impressed. Instead, he said,

"All right, one more question…"

_Oh no, I suck at pop quizzes!_

"Can you cook?"

_Now _that_ I can answer!_

"Can I cook? Our head chef, Wolfgang, taught me everything he knew! He was my best friend… until the king fired him because his presence was making me too happy. I can make a heck of a chicken a la king with a light truffle sauce…"

Everyone stared at him blankly.

_Uh, their tastes _migh_t be a little earthier than yours might._

"I can also make soup from scratch, bread and any sort of pie you want."

"Did you say pie?" Turk cried. "Oh, it's official, he is so staying! Let's make Snow White…"

"Please, call me SW."

"…SW our official eighth dwarf!"

"Here, here!" Carla shouted.

Doug jumped up and down excitedly.

"A real life full-grown in our house! Cool!"

So he joined in the cheering as well.

_Well, in spite of everything, I was at least able to end the day by making new friends. I'm glad they like me. Wow, an official dwarf, who knew? I'm not sure the leader guy likes me all that much, but that's okay. Who knows, maybe he'll get over his strange habit of calling me by girls' names!_


	5. Life with the Dwarves

Chapter 5: Life with the Dwarves

The dwarves decided that the attic would be a good place for SW to sleep, as it was just spacious enough. As Perry led SW up there, carrying a blanket and a pillow, and SW said,

"Thanks again for letting me stay, Perry, I..."

Perry turned to him and sternly replied,

"I'm doing because it's right, not because I want to. Big difference there. And if you don't help out or if you annoy me enough, I can throw you back out without a pang of remorse! Do I make myself clear?"

SW just nodded.

_I'll break through that hard shell yet! Maybe he just needs a hug!_

"And," Perry continued, "if you even think about giving me a hug, rest assured it will not end well for you!"

_Scratch the hug._

The attic's ceiling was even lower than the downstairs. SW knew it would be a tight squeeze. Perry said,

"It's not exactly a luxury suite, but it's clean for an attic and you won't be here all day anyway."

"Thank you..."

"Yeah, yeah, you're welcome already! Don't oversleep! We rise at dawn, and we'll want breakfast! We can only live on the dust Jordan laughingly calls 'bread' for so long!"

Without so much a "good night", Perry left. SW looked around, and he admitted that the attic was pretty clean for what it was. Maybe a dusty, but that was easily remedied. Then he caught a glimpse of himself in a nearby, cracked mirror. SW suddenly realized how frivolously overdressed he was compared to the dwarves. So he took off his cape and blue and red vest, folded them up and put them aside. He then untucked his white shirt, and unlaced the collar. He was going to muss up his impeccable hair... but then decided against it.

_I should get to keep _one_ thing from my old life!_

Satisfied, SW fluffed the pillow Perry gave him, pulled up the covers, and tried to put the unpleasant events that led him here out of his mind. For better or worse, he was safe now.

In almost no time at all, SW was accepted as part of the family. After just a mere few days, it was hard to imagine life without him.

_Living with dwarves isn't always easy, especially the arrangements._

SW had to get used to crouching ever so slightly throughout the day so as not to hit his head on any more ceiling beams. SW always looked forward to them coming home, because one of them could accompany him outside so he could stand up straight and get the creaky feeling out of his back.

_Still,_ _it's kind of cool to be so handy. To them, I'm like a friendly, helpful giant._

Just from standing on a stump, SW was able to get Doug's ball dislodged from a nearby tree branch, where Perry had thrown it two years earlier. SW kept his end of the bargain, and cleaned the cottage while the dwarves were out. Never did he slack off. SW also made them their breakfast and dinners and even packed their lunches. The dwarves weren't used to fresh, hot meals, so they appreciated SW's cooking immensely.

_Turk and I are already best friends forever - bffs! Whee! Another acronym! We've come up with a great new game that'll blow everyone away!_

Turk would sit on SW's shoulders while SW was covered with a blanket, and Turk would cry out,

"Do not be afraid, for I am the world's tallest dwarf!"

No one was impressed, but SW and Turk were endlessly amused by it.

_Another good thing is that because the dwarves work most of the day at the mines and I stay home and clean, we don't see each other often enough to get on each other's nerves._

"Newbie, you're really getting on my nerves!"

_Perry's taken to calling me "Newbie". Beats being called girls' names._

"It's this disgustingly positive attitude of yours! This puppy-like obsession with getting everyone's approval, it's just sickening, Cinderella!"

_I knew it was too good to last._

"Look at you! You're an orphan with a murderous stepparent and a stupid name to boot, you've earned the right to be in a bad mood once in a while! Why don't you take advantage of this right, 'cause it's exhausting always being in a bad mood for you!"

"Really? 'Cause you sure seem to enjoy it!"

SW strolled away, Perry shaking his head in annoyance.

_Zing! Guess I showed him! I also enjoy learning stuff from the dwarves' lives, and I also like teaching them things from my life._

Todd approached Perry and cried,

"Perry, look what SW showed me! Raise your hand!"

Without thinking, Perry did, and Todd slapped it with a thunderous "wham!" Todd snapped his fingers after doing so.

"It's called 'giving five'! I'm gonna do it for everything from now on!"

"Lucky us," Perry mumbled, struggling not to wince from pain.

SW was surprised to find out that Turk and Carla were engaged. He asked them,

"How long have you guys been engaged?"

"Two years!" Turk cheerfully bellowed. Carla glared at him.

"_Three_ years," she corrected.

Turk was at a loss.

"Uh, what I meant was, uh, three years have felt like just, uh, two..."

_Better step in._

"Carla, you know you're his world!"

Carla rolled her eyes, then said,

"You must have a special someone in your life, Bambi."

"'Bambi?'"

"Yeah, 'cause you're so wobbly and innocent and confused, like a baby deer! Something about you just stirs up my maternal instincts."

She then looked at Turk and growled,

"Hint, hint!"

"All in good time, baby!"

SW replied,

"There was this one girl I was interested in, Princess Elliot, but…"

"All right," Turk said, "SW's gettin' some royal love!"

"That's right, Brown Bear!"

They high-fived and laughed. SW cleared his throat and continued,

"But seriously, we only knew each other a day, so it didn't mean anything. She was only visiting, and besides, her politics clashed with mine, and she was allergic to cats, which is bad, since I want cats…"

Turk and Carla gave SW knowing looks.

_Oh, who am I kidding?_

"She was the most awesome woman I ever met!" SW shrieked, startling Turk and Carla. "I mean, yeah, she talked about a mile a minute, stuck both feet in her mouth and was from the emotionless kingdom of Waspia, but she was cute and fun and smart! She laughed at my jokes and didn't say I was like a brother to her! And her eyes! Her eyes were the color of a clear spring sky, her lips like a newly blossomed rose, her hair flaxen strands made from the very light of the sun, and her firm li'l tushie… well, you get the idea! And because I had to run away because of almost getting killed I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!!"

SW nearly started sobbing when he noticed Perry, Jordan, and Laverne.

"What'd we miss?" Laverne asked.

"Are you gonna have a breakdown?" Jordan asked. "'Cause if so, I wanna watch!"

"Wow, Newbie," Perry said with a smile, "that pathetic display was almost beautiful to behold!"

Carla put her hand on SW's shoulder.

"Don't listen to him, SW, he's just bitter 'cause Jordan hasn't given him any since Rapunzel's hair was only shoulder length! And don't lose hope! Someday your princess will come!"

Todd poked his head in.

"That's what she said!"

"Todd, go away!"

SW sighed.

_I know Carla was just trying to be nice, but I'll bet Elliot has forgotten all about me by now._


	6. An Evil Plot and a Daring Escape

King Robert whistled as he made his way down the stone steps leading to the dungeon. The last five days had been good to him. SW was dead and he was finally assured of his position as the most powerful. He finally reached his destination and smiled at his prisoner.

"Ah! How are we this fine evening?"

Princess Elliot looked up at him through the bars of her cell.

"I'm locked in the frickin' dungeon on trumped up charges. How do you think I'm doing?"

"My my, we're certainly feisty today! And you were wanted for questioning!"

"Asking where SW was? That's not questioning! Well, I mean, it is, but not the bad kind where..."

"Oh, spare me your little rants! Besides, there are some visitors here for you!"

Following King Robert were Queen Lily and King Simon. Elliot shot up excitedly, and Queen Lily greeted her with,

"Elliot, have you been eating the bread and gruel they've been serving you? You know what carbs do to your figure!"

Elliot, used to her mother's remarks, ignored this and happily said,

"Mom, Dad! You've come to bail me out!"

"Actually, dear," King Simon intoned, "we've come to tell you we're taking the next boat back to Waspia."

Elliot stood there, waiting for them to continue, when it suddenly hit her.

"Without me?!"

"Well, of course, darling!" Queen Lily trilled.

"King Robert told us of your crime, and we couldn't have our disgraced daughter come back home with us!" King Simon added.

Elliot nearly bruised her chin on the floor, her jaw dropped so.

"You actually took his word about me?? I'm your daughter!"

"And he's the king! He outranks you! Now, be mature about this, Elliot, in twenty or thirty years you'll realize this is the right thing!"

So he and Queen Lily turned and left, with Queen Lily calling,

"Be good, sweetie! And lay off the bread and gruel!"

Elliot stood there in total shock. Never did she feel more alone. King Robert sneered.

"Oh, well. That's parenting for you!"

Something in Elliot just snapped.

"I don't care if you keep me in here a thousand years, you big creep! Just tell me where SW is!"

King Robert's face reddened.

"Don't talk to me that way, you impertinent wench! I'm the king of Sacredheartland!"

"I'm still royalty too! I'll talk to you however I choose! SW's out there somewhere, tell me where he is!"

"Would it make any difference? You think the prince would waste his time on a criminal like you?"

Elliot simply glared at him. King Robert turned and left. As he ascended the stairs, hew was deep in thought. Lately, he had been trying to keep up a confident attitude that SW was indeed dead, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. He was almost afraid of confiding in his magic mirror. And now, something about the princess's steely resolve unsettled King Robert even further. Unable to take it anymore, he entered his secret chamber, stormed up to the mirror and chanted,

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most powerful of them all?!"

The bald man's face appeared, looking quite surprised.

"Wow, it's been awhile, sir. Could it be that you're finally secure enough that you don't need me?"

"Answer the question!"

"You will be the most powerful until Snow White takes your place."

"Impossible! Snow White's dead!"

"Sorry to bear bad news yet again…"

The mirror showed Snow White happily serving soup to seven little people. King Robert's face turned magenta with rage. The magic mirror continued,

"He's staying in a cottage deep in the woods with seven dwarves. He's been there the last five days."

"Impossible," King Robert repeated with clenched teeth, "I ate his heart not three days ago!"

"That was a raccoon's heart you ate, though that's really no less disturbing."

King Robert stormed out of his chambers and bumped right into Hunter, who was carrying his lunch pail. Hunter casually said,

"I heard Blondeprincess screaming in the dungeon. Is she single?"

"YOU! You deceitful, hulking blob of flesh, you lied to me! Not only is Snow White alive and well, but I paid you good money, and you tricked me into eating a raccoon's heart instead of his!"

"Didn't taste good, huh?"

King Robert wanted to strangle Hunter, but Hunter calmly put his hands out.

"Easy there, King-guy. It's not my fault Scooter slipped through my fingers."

"You better have a brilliant excuse as to how he escaped you!"

"I do, I just don't have it on me at the moment. So what are we gonna do now?"

"There's no 'we'! Give me one reason why I should involve you in my destruction of Snow White!"

"'Cause I want the little royal twerp to go down. Way down. With a sickening thud."

King Robert was still fuming, then paused and regained his composure.

"Very well. But I'm through with the primitive method of simple murder. Mere death is much too kind for that miserable leach, that thorn in my side the queen burdened me with after she escaped the same fate by dying! I want Snow White to eternally linger between life and death. I want him to be trapped in still, silent, solitary Purgatory as punishment for what he nearly took from me! Come, to my private lab of evil!"

King Robert led the way to the end of the hallway. He looked around to make sure that he and Hunter were the only ones present, then he grabbed a candelabrum from the wall…

"Oh," Hunter asked excitedly, "is this how you activate your secret passageway?"

"No," King Robert replied, as he carried the candelabrum to a nearby door, "it's so we can see!"

He swung the door open, revealing perfectly normal looking stairs leading down.

Hunter looked unimpressed, but followed him down anyway. They were soon in the alchemy lab (which had once been Snow White's nursery before King Robert renovated it). It looked nothing like most alchemy labs. There wasn't a cobweb to be found, no gratuitous skeleton model, and it was neat as a pin and well lit. There was an entire shelf of neatly labeled evil potions. Hunter was very disappointed. King Robert sensed this and snapped,

"So I have a tidy lab! Is it so terrible to keep things organized?"

King Robert grabbed a large book and flipped through it. Hunter looked over his shoulder and asked,

"Ever try the Man-Beast Curse?"

"No, that one is a sham! Most of the time, the Man-Beast is more appealing than the man himself is! Ah, the Poisoned Slumber Potion! First, we'll need some sort of food."

King Robert spotted Hunter's lunch pail and grabbed it.

"Hey, I was gonna eat that!"

King Robert ignored him as he rummaged through,

"Mutton sandwich, no… cake, no… an apple, perfect! Let's see, we'll need entrails of raven, venom of rattlesnake, blood of sloth, and several pinches of opium for good measure."

King Robert gathered these ingredients at breakneck speed (all while laughing maniacally) and dumped them all in a cauldron, where, without even the assistance of fire, it hissed and boiled and turned a foul yellowish brown color. King Robert then dropped the apple in, where it instantly soaked in the fatal brew by turning a venomous shade of red. King Robert then mumbled incoherently while reading the book. Hunter cocked his head.

"What are you doing?"

"Quiet! I'm casting a spell on it to make this apple extra irresistible to my intended victim! One look at this apple and Snow White would kick a cute little bunny out of the way in order to get his hands on it!"

"You really think of everything, don't you?"

"It's almost poetic," King Robert cackled, "one bite and Snow White will fall into such a deep sleep his insides will shut down and he'll appear dead to the world! Those circus midgets are going to bury him alive! He's going to spend centuries aging and decaying in the ground and no one but you and myself will ever know!"

Hunter wasn't listening, as he was distracted by something he spotted in the book.

"Hey, there's a catch. Says here the spell is broken by…"

He leaned over and squinted.

"'True love's kiss'."

King Robert scoffed as he mixed a few more potions in a nearby beaker.

"You don't buy that 'true love' claptrap created by intellectual serfs, do you? Love is just some pleasant illusion the masses invent just to distract themselves from their pitiful little lives! We live and die alone, and most of humanity is too scared and weak to realize it! And now, the finishing touch, the perfect peddler's disguises."

He handed Hunter a beaker and held one for himself. King Robert smiled and raised his glass.

"Here you are, partner. To Snow White's downfall!"

"To Scooter's destruction and a long partnership!"

Hunter downed his potion, paused, and then blanched and dropped the beaker with a shatter. He grabbed his throat, dropped to the floor on his hands and knees, where his body froze, his skin turned a dingy yellow, his eyes glazed over and his face stretched out. He gasped frantically and tried to look at King Robert, who stood there with a cruel smirk.

"Did you really think I'd let you off the hook after you deceived me? No one makes a fool of Robert Kelso and gets away with it!"

Hunter's body continued to contort and freeze and he made a few last frantic gasps for breath… and then there was silence. King Robert nodded in satisfaction at the lifeless, stuffed yellow dog that had once been Hunter. He then grabbed the real beaker containing essence of peddler (author's note: yeah, I don't know what it is either. Let's just leave it at that) and took a swig. His transformation was very anti-climactic in comparison, just a small gasp and a few shivers, and presto! King Robert turned into an almost comically handsome young man with ivory skin, honey colored hair and cleft chin.

King Robert looked in a nearby mirror and smiled in satisfaction. He then walked to a cabinet where he took out a red peddler's cloak that he had confiscated from a prisoner who didn't pay his taxes (the poor prisoner froze to death in his cell without his cloak, but that's another story). He threw it on and grabbed the apple from the caldron with a pair of tongs and placed it in a basket. He made his way up the stairs and to the pantry to steal more apples, and then he sneaked out the door and stole away into the night. King Robert took advantage of his temporarily young and vital body to take the long journey into the woods to find the dwarves' cottage.

Now, while King Robert and Hunter had been in the secret lab, Elliot stayed in her dungeon with her head in her hands, feeling sorry for herself. Then she realized that SW was possibly in trouble, and that King Robert needed to be overthrown, and she had to help somehow. Besides, her title as princess was meaningless now. It was time to quit being Rowena and start being Rebecca! Just then, a red-haired guard named Lonnie, whom Elliot had never seen before, approached her cell with bread and gruel.

"Um, here's your food, um... prisoner girl."

He didn't look remotely authoritative, and his keys were dangling in plain view. He was new! Elliot then smiled, twirled her hair (which didn't look too greasy yet) and said,

"Can't you come a little closer? I want take them from those strong, manly hands!"

Lonnie brightened at this came right over. Elliot smiled, reached out... and grabbed the sleeve of cloak so hard, he banged his forehead against the bars and was immediately knocked out. Elliot stretched out her hand, grabbed the keys and unlocked the door. Realizing she was now a fugitive, she took off Lonnie's cloak, put it on, and dragged Lonnie in the cell and then locked the door. She was about to leave, but then took the bread and quickly gobbled it up. The hell with her mom's sage advice.

Elliot sneaked off to the stables, took one of the horses, and galloped out of the kingdom. It was a lucky coincidence she and King Robert didn't leave at the same time or the same direction, but now it was only a matter of who would reach SW first.


	7. Poisoned Apple

Chapter 7: Poisoned Apple (dun dun DUN!!)

The following morning, SW prepared the dwarves' lunches and stood outside the front door with each of their lunch pails sitting on the porch table. As each one stepped out, he handed them their lunch pail.

"Have a good day, Todd!"

"Another day at work five!"

He gave SW a booming high five, snapped his fingers and strode off. SW shook his aching hand and cringed.

_I really wish I hadn't taught him that._

Then Doug came out and SW handed him his lunch. Doug bowed awkwardly.

"Thanks, your highness!"

"Doug, why the formalities? I'm one of you now! Just call me SW!"

"Okay, SW!"

"That's more like it. Have a great day, and hey," SW grinned jokingly, "don't kill anyone!"

"Oh, don't worry," Doug happily replied, "Perry gave me a desk job so that wouldn't happen anymore!"

Doug bounded off as SW thought,

_I don't think he was joking._

Turk came out, took his lunch, and said,

"So, SW, up for a game of Fork tonight?"

Fork was a game Turk invented. Whoever grabbed the fork first won Fork. SW replied,

"I sure am, Brown Bear, and you better watch it, 'cause I just might beat you this time!"

"Not a chance, Vanilla Beanpole!"

_Ah, he's right._

Carla then emerged. She smiled warmly at SW and said,

"Have a good day, and don't talk to any strangers!"

"You too, Carla, and I won't, I promise!"

"Good, now give me some sugar?"

"With pleasure!"

SW crouched down and gave Carla a kiss on the cheek. Turk looked sternly at both of them. Carla said to him as they walked off together,

"C'mon, baby, I was just taking a pinch of sugar, not the whole cup!"

Laverne then came out, and SW asked,

"Hey, Laverne, would you like some sugar too?"

"Thanks but no thanks, Snow Ball."

"It's Snow White, actually, but have a good day anyway."

Perry followed Laverne, grabbed his lunch from SW and snapped at him,

"No, I don't want 'sugar' from you, not now or ever! Now, let's review…"

_Here we go, our daily routine._

"Listen up, Newbie! While we're gone, you…"

"Stay inside and don't let anyone in."

"There's a knock on the door, you…"

"Don't answer it."

"When you're done cleaning, you…"

"Sit in a corner and think about stuff."

"More specifically, you should think about how you can stop acting like a mother hen and start acting like a man, since you kind of sort of resemble one, but I'll accept your answer. Don't screw up today, think you can handle that?"

"Yes. And Perry? Thanks."

"For what?"

"Your concern. I know you just don't want me to get hurt."

"Wrong again, Belle! I don't want _us_ to get hurt! Seven against one, remember? Now I know math is hard for most girls, but, hang in there, I'm sure you'll get it in time!"

SW sighed as Perry left and Jordan came out behind him. He handed her her lunch, and she wordlessly offered her cheek.

"Why, Jordan, you surprise me!"

SW gave her a peck on the cheek and she smiled at him as she said,

"Have a good one, Stretch."

She walked off, and Perry groaned,

"That was just shameless. Don't tell me you actually enjoyed that!"

"Did you notice?"

"Yes."

"Are you annoyed?"

"Yes!"

"Then of course I enjoyed it. You sure are a slow learner, Perry."

SW watched his friends disappear and then went back in the cottage, locked the door and drew the curtains. He looked at the already messy cottage and tried to decide what to do first. He chose to do the dishes. As he filled the sink, he thought,

_It gets kind of lonely, being in the cottage all day with no one to talk to. Luckily, I have a lot that occupies my thoughts, mainly Elliot._

"Some day my princess will come," SW sang, "and we'll have lots of sex, and a meaningful relationship too, but, um, hopefully lots of sex as…well…"

_Making up a song on the spot looks so easy in storybooks._

Just then, there was a knock on the door. SW stopped dead in his tracks, as he took for granted that no one would ever knock on the door anyway. There was a pause, then another knock. Perry's stern voice sounded in SW's head.

_**I mean it, Buttercup! Don't let anyone but us inside while you're here!**_

"Nobody's home!" SW called in a high pitched, singsong feminine voice. He then frowned at himself.

_You couldn't have revealed yourself in your normal voice?_

"Apples for sale! Buy a tasty apple!"

SW tried to remain silent, hoping that would make the stranger go away.

"Apples for sale!"

Agitated, SW went to the door and called through it,

"I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to open the door to strangers. Try somewhere else!"

Outside, King Robert (whom we will temporarily refer to as "the Young Peddler") furrowed his brow in frustration. There was no way that SW was going to escape his imminent doom with safety and common sense! The Young Peddler then remembered SW's sickening sense of compassion, so he turned around and called,

"All right, no problem, I'll just… oh, my ankle!"

SW heard this and became worried. _It might be a trick_, he told himself. _But what if it isn't?_ SW imagined how it would feel to be all alone in the woods with no one to help his injury. It would've felt terrible, and SW knew how bad he'd feel if he didn't help the man outside.

_**I mean it, Buttercup! Don't let anyone but us inside while you're here!**_

_Well... Perry never said I couldn't _let myself out_ to help someone in need. He'll understand!_

SW opened the door and asked,

"Are you all right?"

"Yes… I'm fine. I just need to sit down for a bit…"

SW remembered the chair on the porch and said,

"Want to sit down here and catch your breath?"

The Young Peddler did just that and said,

"Thanks, I needed that!"

SW immediately went to the water pump to fetch him a cup of water. The Young Peddler caught his breath as SW handed him his cup.

"How's your ankle?"

The Young Peddler said,

"Much better. You have no idea how many people would just let a stranger like me just limp away alone. You're really compassionate. That kind of quality would make you quite a powerful, oh, let's say, king!"

SW modestly threw his hand.

"Aw, shucks, my mom just raised me right, that's all! And besides, I never thought being a king was about power. I think it's about doing what's best for your people as well as your country. I think if I were king, I'd encourage everyone to reach out and help each other, to and I'd do everything I could to maintain peace and… are you all right?"

The Young Peddler was wincing to himself while holding his stomach.

"Just a little queasy from your speech… I mean, from the heat... I mean, lack of heat! Ah, I feel much better now. You know what? Since you've been so helpful, I'm going to give you one of these as a reward!"

SW smiled.

"Thank you, but that's really not nec…

The Young Peddler took out the poisoned apple. SW feast his eyes on what was the brightest, reddest apple he'd ever seen. He completely forgot that he was still full from breakfast.

_Oh my God, I_ mus_t have that apple!_

SW stared hungrily at the apple. The Young Peddler said,

"You can have it, it's the least I can do in exchange for your kindness!"

SW took the apple from the Young Peddler's hand, his verbal skills almost nonexistent, his blue eyes fixated on it.

_Have to have it, have to have it…_

"It's almost too pretty," SW said softly, "too pretty to eat."

Getting impatient, the Young Peddler said,

"Well, it'll hurt my feelings quite badly if you don't try it!"

His mouth watering, SW took a bite and no sooner than he did, the apple piece slid down his throat as if it had a mind of its own. Startled, SW let the apple fall from his hand as his other reached for his throat as he began to choke. An oily smile crept on the Young Peddler's lips.

"Good apple, sport?"

SW felt dread worm its way up his spine. Only one person in the world called him that.

_No._

SW tried to spit out the apple, but it was too late. He collapsed to the ground as the poison sapped his strength.

_It's amazing how unexpected moments can make you lose your…_

SW took a desperate gasp for air, and then his eyes flickered closed and his body went limp. At this time, the disguise potion had worn off and the Young Peddler had transformed back into King Robert. He leaned over and waved a hand in front of SW's closed eyes and then snapped his fingers loudly in SW's ear. SW responded to neither.

"It worked," King Robert cackled, "it worked! Now I will remain the most powerful of all! The thorn in my side has finally been removed! Thought your 'heart as pure as snow' could end my reign of power? You pathetic fool!"

King Robert turned while pulling up his hood, took one last look at SW, and sneered at him.

"Sweet dreams, sport!"

King Robert ran away laughing cruelly and left SW lying all alone on the front porch.

That evening, the dwarves trudged forward after a long day, but there was a little more bounce in their steps since SW came into their lives. Carla and Turk were eagerly planning to give SW a small geode they found in the mines as a gift, while Todd, Doug and Jordan griped about how hungry they were. Suddenly, from a distance, they noticed that there was no lantern burning in the window. In fact, the cottage looked completely dark inside. Now that SW lived with them, he switched it on in the evening so he could make dinner as it got dark outside. The darkness and dense silence created noticeable tension, and Carla tried to reassure them.

"Maybe he wasn't feeling well and turned in early?"

"As long as dinner's ready," Jordan said.

"Your concern is touching, Jordan," Turk replied disgustedly.

They cautiously made their way up the path, raised their lanterns, and stared in horror as they saw SW sprawled on the ground in a lifeless heap. Turk rushed to his friend's side and frantically shook his shoulder.

"SW! C'mon, man, wake up, wake up!"

Carla patted SW's hand and cried,

"SW, can you hear me? Bambi?"

"All right," Perry yelled, "just back off and give him some air!"

He looked at SW and murmured,

"Newbie, if you don't wake up now, I'll…"

He then shouted,

"Someone help me! Splash some water, splash some water!"

Doug, who'd already rushed in the house and filled a bowl of water, raced over and splashed Perry in the face with it. Crimson-faced and dripping wet, Perry roared,

"On him, not me! Do I look unconscious to you?!"

"I panicked!" Doug cried.

"The water wouldn't have done any good," Laverne said quietly. Everyone looked at her as she held SW's wrist, her eyes filled with sorrow.

"He's dead."

Unbelieving, Perry grabbed SW's other wrist and his face fell.

"Laverne's right. He's gone."

Turk stood there as if he'd been turned to stone, and Laverne got up to hug Carla, who struggled not to cry. Doug and Todd hung their heads mournfully. Jordan looked completely numb as she remarked,

"He must have choked on that apple right there."

She was about to pick it up, when Perry barked,

"Don't touch that! That kind of apple doesn't grow in our forests, and I know Newbie wouldn't travel miles to the kingdom where he's practically a fugitive just to buy one lousy apple. That can only mean that _someone gave it to him!!_ It was King Robert, I just know it was! He poisoned it! Dammit, Newbie, how could you have been so stupid? I told you not to open the door to anyone! I told you…"

Jordan placed a comforting hand on Perry's shaking shoulders. Carla whispered,

"Bambi, you promised you wouldn't talk to strangers."


	8. Reunion and Revenge

Chapter 8: Reunion and Revenge

Once he was back in the palace, King Robert triumphantly went to his magic mirror and said,

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most powerful of them all?"

The magic mirror heaved a heavy sigh and replied, in a more deadpan manner than usual,

"You are, sir, and it looks like you always will be. So what if all you did to attain this status was poison the closest thing you have to a real son, who's going to be buried alive by his own friends? Believe you me, if I had legs, I'd do a happy dance."

"Haven't you heard? All's fair in monarchy and war!"

King Robert turned and left the room. The mirror's image usually vanished when King Robert did this, but this time he took the time to show himself an image of the seven dwarves sadly standing over SW's body. The mirror then murmured,

"Forgive me, Prince Snow White. I wish it didn't have to be this way."

The heartbroken dwarves just couldn't bring themselves to bury SW (even though Perry found this logic very bizarre). After much discussion, Turk suggested that they instead place SW in special section of the mines. It was a large cavern with wall that glittered with mica. It was lovely to look at, but never used since mica was considered a worthless commodity. There was a stone slab in the cavern that was just long and wide enough to lay SW on. The dwarves spent the entire night constructing a beautiful gold and glass lid to cover SW. Once they had completed their task (using a borrowed mule and cart to carry SW to the mine) was complete, Perry led them in a funeral service. They circled around the coffin, and Perry cleared his throat and began.

"We're gathered here to pay tribute to our fallen friend, the prince of Sacredheartland. Let me just start by saying, Newbie, I still couldn't be more peeved if I tried. I mean, good Lord, one simple instruction, 'don't open the door to strangers'. And what do you do? You open the door for none other than your evil stepfather, who was undoubtedly wearing some crummy disguise. And do you always take gifts from shady people you barely recognize, or were you in a crazy mood for taking a small but no less idiotic risk? Jeez, a baby squirrel would have known better!"

The other dwarves were annoyed by Perry's callous eulogy, except for Jordan, who was used to Perry's ramblings and just stood there with a bemused look on her face. Perry saw Turk and Carla giving him particularly dirty looks and making slashing motions across their throats with their fingers. Perry began again,

"Well, since no one here appreciates honesty, we'll just move on."

Now, it was at this moment Elliot rode by. She had been riding nearly nonstop since her escape, she was hungry and travel worn, but she refused to give up her search for SW. She passed by the opening of the mine, and Perry's voice echoed through and carried outside. Elliot dismounted and carefully entered the mine. Maybe someone in there had seen SW. She soon saw seven dwarves in a circle.

Oblivious to Elliot's presence, Perry soldiered on.

"And now, our finest soprano will lead us in a rendition of 'Ave Maria'-Doug, thank you for volunteering."

Doug nodded sadly. Elliot stood there, a little confused. Was this a funeral? If so, whose?

"Then," Perry continued, "each of us will say a few words dedicated to SW's memory."

Elliot's covered her mouth in alarm and her heart must have skipped two beats. _No,_ she thought, _it couldn't be…_

Todd looked at Doug and wailed,

"Mourning the loss of a dear friend five!"

He high fived Doug and they hugged each other as they both burst into tears (though for Doug, it was mostly because his hand hurt).

"No!" Elliot shouted.

The funeral came to a grinding halt, and all eyes were on Elliot, who turned an unusual shade of pink. Perry said,

"Okay, I don't recall inviting Goldilocks to the wake."

"Crashing a funeral," Laverne grumbled, "that's just tacky!"

A deeply embarrassed Elliot stammered,

"Forgive me, I-I didn't mean to disrupt anything, but I was riding through, and did I hear you correctly? Did you say this funeral was for…Prince Snow White?"

"Yes," Perry said slowly, "and you blundered into our service... why?"

Realization dawned on Turk's face.

"Wait a minute! You're Princess Elliot, aren't you?"

Elliot, still stunned at the revelation of SW's death, nodded dumbly.

Carla joined Turk.

"SW told us all about you."

"He sure did," Perry added, "he wouldn't shut up about you! Well, by full-grown's standards, I guess he could have done worse."

"May I-," Elliot swallowed hard, then said, "may I see him?"

"Of course," Jordan said when Perry looked like he would object. The circle parted, and Elliot walked to where SW lay. He somehow didn't look dead at all. Aside from looking paler than usual, the flower petals scattered in the coffin made him look more like he was taking a luxurious nap. Elliot kneeled by the coffin and quietly asked,

"How did it happen?"

"He was poisoned by King Robert," Carla answered, her voice becoming colder at the mention of King Robert. Elliot's expression suddenly darkened. She already knew King Robert was a horrible person, but to be capable of this? It was too much for her to take. Elliot stood and stormed out of the mines. The dwarves followed her out as she jumped on her horse. Turk cried after her,

"Princess, where are you going?"

"To kick King Robert's big fat evil caboodle!"

Elliot jumped on her horse and was about to take off, when Perry ran up, grabbed a dangling rein and said,

"Whoa, there, Sweet Cheeks, are you sure you want to go toe to cloven hoof with the same person who killed your boyfriend? After all, someone who uses words like 'caboodle' doesn't have much of a chance against an evil king with poison fruit at his disposal!"

"What in the hell is a caboodle?" Laverne muttered to Jordan. Jordan just shrugged. Elliot said to Perry,

"I can't let King Robert get away with what he did!"

"Unless you've got a weapon arsenal hidden in your dress, you're going to have to! King Robert won't have a problem flicking you away like..."

"I don't care!" Elliot snarled. For the first time in his life, Perry was taken aback. He wasn't used to having his rants interrupted. Elliot continued,

"I'm sick of everyone underestimating me 'cause I'm the little --well, maybe not as little as you guys, but still-- blonde Princess of Waspia! Well, I'm through with people pushing me and people I love around! People like King Robert should know not everyone's afraid of them!"

"Then we'll go with you," said Carla.

Thrown off her inspirational spiel, Elliot stammered,

"That's awfully nice of you, but, um, you're all so, so…"

Elliot made a space between her palms. Turk threw his hand.

"Hey, don't underestimate us 'cause we're dwarves! We're small but we're tough! With us, it'll be eight against one! We'll have your back!"

"The Todd sure will," Todd said, cheerfully checking out Elliot's backside.

Everyone seemed to be in agreement, and then all eyes were on Perry, who sighed and threw up his hands.

"Ah, what the hell? I've always wanted to seek vengeance on someone anyway! Pickaxes in the cart! Let's storm that castle!"

"You guys think we should?" Doug asked. "I mean, barging in and bothering the scary king and all?"

Laverne and Carla nonchalantly grabbed Doug by the collar and threw him in the cart. Perry snapped the reins, and they followed Elliot back to the castle.


	9. Showdown

Chapter 9: Showdown

The group of vengeance seekers finally reached the castle. Lonnie was guarding the castle and cried,

"Halt! Who goes there?"

Elliot called up,

"Hey, remember me?"

"I do, and I'm reporting you to the king immediately!"

"Let us pass without word to the king or else!"

"Or else what?!"

Elliot unveiled her secret weapon (though in Waspia it was her secret shame): her unusually strong fingers. Elliot cracked a single knuckle and it practically thundered in the air. The dwarves cringed and Lonnie was cowed into submission.

Carla asked Elliot,

"Do you have any more crazy stuff hidden like that?"

"Oooh, sometimes when I'm nervous, I'll eat too many vegetables and then..."

"Never mind!"

After dismounting, Elliot led them through the cook's quarters as they carefully made their way through the castle, steely-eyed and determined.

King Robert, whose arrogant swagger was at an all-time high, looked at the mirror and cheerfully asked it,

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most powerful of them all?"

The mirror looked slightly worried.

"You are, sir, I guess."

King Robert glowered at the mirror.

"What do you mean, 'you guess'?"

The mirror actually gulped a little.

"Well, you know the old saying, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?' Well, try the fury of a princess and seven dwarves!"

Confused, King Robert turned around, only to face Elliot and the dwarves.

"How the hell did you get in here?!"

"We bribed the guard,"Perry replied cooly, "You don't pay him enough, so it was easy."

King Robert quickly regained his trademark evil smugness.

"Well, bless my soul, Neurotic Nellie and her Performing Midgets are here to amuse me!"

"That's 'little people'!" Doug shouted. King Robert stared menacingly at him. Doug bowed his head and murmured,

"Sir."

Unafraid (or at least trying to look it), Elliot snapped,

"We know what you did last night, _Bob_! You thought you could get away with it? Murder? Cover-up? Basically being a big old…"

"What Princess Babblemouth is trying to say is," Perry cut in, "you mess with one of us…"

"You mess with all of us," Carla added.

"And with Jesus!" Laverne chimed in.

"This time it's personal!" Turk shouted. He'd always wanted to say that. The mirror suddenly spoke up,

"Uh-oh, you're in trouble, sir!"

Jordan's eyes widened in surprise.

"Am I crazy, or did that mirror just talk?"

"Yes and yes," Perry replied.

It dawned on Elliot.

"A magic mirror? Is that how you did it? That's how you found SW so you could kill him?"

King Robert smiled complacently.

"Yes, you found me out. I did humanity, oh, what the heck, myself a favor by doing away with the one thing standing between me and my reign of complete power."

Elliot glared and took a step towards him.

"What would you know about power? You need to talk to a lousy piece of glass in order to feel good about yourself!"

"Doug," Perry ordered, "break out the weapons!"

Doug took the large sack he'd been carrying on his back, dumped its contents on the floor…revealing a pile of dirty laundry. Everyone stared at him, and Turk said,

"Doug, where are the weapons?"

"I thought this was it! I guess it was the wrong bag!"

"Ya think?! Didn't you notice it was kinda light for a sack full of pickaxes?!"

"I thought I'd gotten stronger somehow!"

"My, my," King Robert announced gleefully, "looks like you're all in a bit of a pickle. Guard! Lock my chamber door!"

Another guard appeared as if by magic, closed the doors and the sound of a lock pounded in the air. There was no way out. King Robert grabbed a sword from a wall display and sauntered toward them, his smile growing wider and more sincere (which was even more terrifying than his usual, phony one) .

"The Todd thinks he just messed himself!" Todd blurted out, his voice an octave higher than usual.

"No, that was me!" Doug whimpered.

"It's good to be the king," King Robert said, "I feel bad for wizards who use magic to smite their enemies. I'm much more in favor of a good-old fashioned, slice and dice dismemberment by hand, aren't you? And now..."

Before he could finish his evil monologue, King Robert doubled over in pain as a shoe smacked him right in the solar plexus. All eyes were on the normally passive Laverne, who deadpanned,

"You full-growns talk too damn much!"

Taking advantage of King Robert's temporarily weakened state, everyone sprang into action. Turk, Carla, and Perry tackled King Robert while Todd kicked the sword across the room. When it looked like King Robert would get up again, Elliot and Jordan yanked down the floor to ceiling drapes and threw them on him like a net. King Robert snarled and struggled to get up as Carla, Perry and Todd pinned him down while Turk did the "stop hitting yourself!" routine with his arm.

Todd was struggling to get a good grip on King Robert's shoulders, and Perry shouted,

"Pretend they're boobs!"

Todd did just that, King Robert was rendered practically immobile. He yelled,

"Get off me, you damn ankle biters!"

Doug, who had been nervously standing on the sidelines, took this as an inspiration, so he grabbed King Robert's ankle and sank his teeth into it. As King Robert yowled in pain (and humiliation at being pummeled by dwarves), Laverne grabbed a vase, gazed heavenward, mumbled a prayer of apology, and smashed the vase over King Robert's backside. Carla cried to Elliot,

"Hey, Elliot, what did you say wanted to do to King Robert?!"

"Oh, yeah!" Elliot cheerfully replied and promptly kicked King Robert right in the rump. That sent King Robert over the edge. He shot up, and roared incoherently as he ran and grabbed his sword. He approached them threateningly, a cruel expression darkening his brow.

"I'm going to slice you all into such little pieces, I'll be able to sprinkle your remains over a damn salad!"

Elliot stepped in front of the dwarves.

"Pick on someone your own size, ya big frick!"

"Very well."

With a speedy grace belying his effete old age, he grabbed Elliot by the shoulder and pinned her against the wall, the sword against her throat. The dwarves were rooted with horror and Elliot trembled mightily. King Robert sneered,

"Now, don't you worry, sweetheart, I'll have your funeral be open casket! That will show you that women should be seen, not heard!"

During his umpteenth evil monologue, he didn't notice that Elliot was frantically feeling around for something, anything, to use as a weapon. She finally got a good grip on a candlestick on the table next to her and swung it at him. King Robert ducked... and Elliot hit the mirror instead. The mirror shattered into a million pieces with a resounding crash. The pieces fell, but instead of scattering on the floor, they began to form a pile. The pile grew in size and width, forming what looked like a human shape. There was a blinding flash of light, and there, standing in the pile's place, was a man in a dark gray robe, and he had a familiar bald head and long face. King Robert was flabbergasted.

"What? How? Get back in your mirror or I'll…"

But the mirror man didn't answer. He pointed at King Robert and King Robert suddenly levitated up in the air, squirming and protesting vigorously. The mirror man then snapped his fingers and King Robert disappeared in a puff of smoke. Everyone coughed as the smoke cleared, and Turk asked,

"Where'd he go?"

"Oh," the mirror man said, a hint of a smile on his lips, "just… elsewhere."

King Robert coughed and waved his hands in front of his face to clear the smoke. He found himself on a wide, flat brown plain with a white sky surrounding him. He took a step, and found that the ground was hard. It was wooden, which made no sense… until he realized that it was a hardwood floor. Just then, a booming voice from above rumbled,

"Fe

Fi

Fo

Fum…"

An immense shadow covered King Robert, and he blanched as he croaked,

"Oh, crap!"

The mirror man then ran to Elliot and kneeled.

"Thank you, fair princess and intrepid dwarves. You have released me from my glass prison and granted me my freedom!"

He clumsily kissed Elliot's hand. Baffled expressions were worn by all.

"Who are you, exactly?" Elliot asked.

"I am Theodore," the mirror man replied, "and nineteen years ago I was the greatest wizard and psychic in all of Sacredheartland. Unfortunately, I was the most arrogant as well."

Perry raised a skeptical eyebrow. Theodore looked defensive.

"What? It's not that hard to believe! Anyway, the powers that be decided to take me down a peg by taking away my flowing chestnut locks. When that didn't work, they turned me into a mirror whose only ability was to show the answers to people's questions. I was forced to be King Robert's helpless, magical slave until the day I could be freed by no less than eight brave souls! That's where you guys came in."

"Whoa," Todd said in amazement and raised his hand, "deus ex machina five!"

Everyone stared at him.

"What? I know what it means!"

Theodore continued,

"I can't thank you enough. Hey, maybe..."

Theodore touched a hand to his bald head, paused, and groaned in disappointment. Then he continued,

"There's so much to catch up on! Maybe now I can get back to my fellow wizards and reunite our a cappella group! I just hope they haven't replaced me."

He then looked at Elliot,

"Princess, before I forget, there's something of great importance I must tell you about SW."

"What is it?" Elliot asked.

Out of nowhere, three other cloaked men materialized and one of them grabbed Theodore and said,

"There's our tenor! It's about time you got out of that mirror! We have a ton of practicing to do!"

"Wait, guys," Theodore protested, "I have to tell the princess something!"

"C'mon, we're now doing songs that won't be released until the 1980s!"

"Wait, Theodore!" Elliot cried. "What was it you wanted to tell me about SW?!"

But Theodore and the others vanished. Elliot's heart sank as she stood there, staring at the place Theodore had just been. Finally, she and the dwarves left the chamber and returned to the forest.


	10. Happily Ever After

Chapter 10: Happily Ever After

Elliot and the dwarves rode back into the woods without saying a word. They rode back to the mines and circled around the glass coffin. As they hovered over SW in silence, Doug piped up,

"Well, we sure gave King Robert a taste of his own medicine!"

Annoyed glances were shot his way. Doug muttered,

"Or something."

"Points for trying, Milky." Laverne said with a sigh.

Turk looked at Elliot and said,

"Well, that much is true. At least the king won't hurt anyone again."

"But he still won," Elliot replied sadly, "he still got SW. It's all my fault. If I had just reached him sooner…"

"Oh, don't give us that," Perry snapped, "don't give us that whole martyr song and dance! He was staying with us, in case you've forgotten, and we still couldn't protect him! Even if you'd reached him, you think King Bobbo would have given up that easily? He still would have hunted SW like a Christmas turkey! Don't you get it? No one could have helped him! No you, not us, no one!"

Elliot continued to stare at the coffin and announced,

"Then I'll stay here with him. I'll never leave this spot as long as I live."

"And I'll stay with you," Todd said, "I can be your blanket… or your mattress, if that's your thing."

Elliot shot Todd a warning look. Carla shook her head.

"Your highness, staying here is not going to bring him back. Besides, don't you have a kingdom to get back to?"

"No, King Robert threw me in jail and my parents didn't want to be shamed by showing their faces back home with their jailbird daughter, so they left me behind."

"Lovely," Jordan muttered.

Turk said to Elliot,

"Think of SW. He wouldn't have wanted you to spend your life mourning for him. He'd want you to live your life to the fullest, like he did."

"What about you guys?"

Carla snorted.

"We're never gonna leave this stupid forest anyway! We're lowly dwarves who don't even have a frickin' union! You're a healthy, full-grown princess! You have nothing but possibilities ahead of you! SW would have wanted you to take them. And don't worry, we'll always be here to protect him."

"We sure will," Turk agreed.

Elliot paused, letting this sink in. Then she said,

"Open the coffin."

Perry hesitated, and Elliot continued,

"I just want to say goodbye to him."

Perry nodded and he, Turk, and Todd lifted up the lid and put it aside. Elliot knelt by SW, reached out and stroked his hair and face. She choked back a sob and, without thinking, leaned over and planted a soft, gentle kiss on SW's lips. Perry made a face.

"Ewww, did she just kiss a corpse?"

"Please," Jordan deadpanned, looking right at Perry, "I've kissed worse."

Elliot pulled back and stood to leave.

…_Innocence._

SW let out a loud cough. The dwarves screamed and jumped backwards.

"Frickety frickin' frick!" Elliot shrieked as she followed suit.

SW coughed again, and the apple piece, which had been lodged in his throat, shot out of his mouth. The poison's influence lifted, SW slowly opened his eyes and sat up groggily as he held a hand to his head. Everyone was positively aghast. Laverne frantically started making the sign of the cross over and over. SW shook his head and mumbled,

"Where am I?"

"I did _not_ see that coming," Perry said slowly.

"She's a witch, burn her!" Doug cried, pointing at Elliot.

"Doug!" Carla snapped.

"Dead people should be dead!"

Turk then smiled and shouted,

"He's alive! My boy's alive, y'all!"

SW found himself covered in dwarves as hugs were practically thrown his way. Elliot was frozen with shock while Perry hid behind her to allow himself a tiny smile of relief. SW looked up, and he and Elliot's eyes locked, and music filled the air (in their minds, anyway). He quietly rose and walked towards her. Elliot had both her hands clamped over her mouth, her eyes like saucers. SW whispered,

"I was so scared I'd never see you again."

Elliot remained in her stunned position. SW cried,

"Elliot, say something!"

As if he'd said the magic word, Elliot removed her hands from her mouth and said in one breath,

"OhmygodSWyou'realiveImeanyouweredeadbutnowyou'realiveareyouokayofcourseyou'reokayyourealiveohmygodthisissoweirdbutsowonderfulisitreallyyouImeanyou'renotazombieyou?"

"I don't think so... I mean, about the zombie part."

Elliot took a deep breath, then a smile lit up her face as she said,

"Good... 'cause now I can do this."

Elliot threw her arms around SW's neck and kissed him passionately. SW was at first surprised, but immediately responded as they locked in a tight embrace.

Perry let out a loud tooth whistle and said,

"I hate to break up this nauseatingly romantic moment, but..."

But SW and Elliot didn't even hear him, so lost in bliss were they as the overjoyed dwarves led them out of the mines. Perry whistled again, but to no avail. Jordan then said,

"Per-per, you're obsolete at the moment, deal with it!"

The dwarves had told SW what had happened with King Robert, and SW realized that he now had to take his place as king of Sacredheartland. Elliot sensed his insecurity and said,

"You're going to be a truly great king."

SW looked at her.

"A king's only as good as his queen. Elliot, will you..."

Her exuberant hug provided the answer.

_Everything happened really fast after that. In what felt like moments I found myself at my coronation/wedding._

SW and Elliot stood before the priest in what was easily the most beautiful, lavish royal wedding in Sacredheartland's history. The dwarves were seated in the front row as honored guests, for their courageous part in sheltering SW from King Robert. Not only that, but SW had them all rewarded with scholarships to Sacredheartland University so they could fulfill their dreams of studying medicine. The dwarves were also dressed in beautiful new clothes, provided by a seamstress friend of Elliot's.

To everyone else, SW and Elliot both looked as serene as an undisturbed glen, but to each other, they knew their joyful hearts threatened to break their dignified veneers. There was never a greater struggle by two people to just laugh out loud.

"Dearly beloved," the priest announced to the enraptured audience, "we are gathered today…"

_As I stood there looking at Elliot and trying to appear as king-like as possible, I realized something so simple that I'd never thought of before. Despite our differences, everyone is the same in that their life is a story, where your character decides the outcome. Some are rewarded…_

Ted showed his a cappella band the wedding using a magic orb. For the first time in ages, Ted smiled a real smile.

"They're finally together, just as I'd knew they'd be. Now, let's take it from the top. Five, six, seven, eight…"

The band began,

_"_Have to believe

We are magic (we are magic)

Nothing can stand in our way (oh yeah)…."

_Others, unfortunately, are punished._

The giant sat back contentedly and burped out a crown while picking his teeth.

_Of course, every good story needs a memorable supporting cast, which is provided by the people we love._

Doug was weeping happily on an annoyed Laverne's shoulder, and Carla whispered to Turk,

"They're such a beautiful couple."

"And they're going to rule this land for a long, long time," he replied.

'Course, I'm so gonna catch that bouquet when Elliot throws it."

Watching SW and Elliot, realization dawned on Perry as he muttered to Jordan,

"That man child and high strung head case are going to run this country… and I actually don't think they'll screw up too much. I can safely say life can't get any more bizarre."

"Perry, I'm pregnant," Jordan replied sweetly.

"Aw, hell!"

The priest then announced,

"You may now kiss your queen!"

SW took Elliot in his arms, both of them oblivious to the thunderous sounds of wedding bells and applause from everyone in the cathedral.

_As for me, my story with Elliot is just beginning, but I have a feeling that we're going to live happily ever after._

_THE END_


End file.
